The Exile Files

Raging Against the Outrageous. Laughter and Insanity Abound.

Archive for April 5th, 2009

Skinny Dipping with the Dogs

Posted by Exile on April 5, 2009

Spring is sprung. The temperature went up today and for the first time in a long time, I could feel the call of the wild. Well, actually not feel it, but the dogs have a good run of it over the winter and bath day has finally come round. I could really smell the call of the wild. They have started to shed hair for the summer and they have fur that holds all the crap they have run through in the last few days so it was high time. Out with the big old plastic tub then and into the shower.

The dogs, being dogs, have a sixth sense about all this. They may just remember it from Christmas time, which was the last bath day but they were definitely suspicious. The bigger one went and hid under the dining table, the smaller under our bed. Guess which one is the brighter of the two.

Experience tells me that getting a dachshund into water isn’t easy unless it stinks like a swamp. They’ll go happily into that. But if it smells like shampoo, they’re not much for it. So the process starts with me getting naked while the tub fills up. Then I catch the dogs one at a time. Starting with the larger of the two, I got going. Getting her into the tub is a wrestling match from hell. Everything is a fight with her. She stands solidly on all four legs that are now transformed into concrete pillars and cooperation is the least likely thing to expect. Holding her firmly with one hand, I scrubbed with the other. She was constantly trying to escape this cruel fate, ready to go at the least sign of my left hand weakening. I swear, the dog is fitted with some kind of outboard motor. Nothing else could move that amount of water in so short a time. My wife, who treats the two canines as her babies, encouraged me by telling me that I was being too hard and not nearly gentle enough as I scrubbed three months of dirt out of the furry beast that was fighting my every move. The water was too hot, she said, I got soap in the dog’s eyes and ears, she said. I was way too rough, she said. The dog was beating the living daylights out of me. 
I was as wet as the dog and the water was freezing on my bare stomach and legs. And I can now speak from experience, dog shampoo does not sting your eyes.

Finally it was half time. One dog washed and one to go. The dog leapt from the tub, shook herself all over and ran off to the living room to roll on her rug. My wife followed with big fluffy towels. I drew breath and rounded up my new bathing partner. Refilling the tub, I got ready for round two.

The smaller dog is not really smaller. She is a few pounds lighter. Otherwise there isn’t much difference between them any more. However, she is a little easier to handle. She resigns herself to her fate. Bathing her was no big thing compared to the other. Which actually makes the process quicker and we were finished in no time. She too, shook herself all over the place and ran off to the living room looking for sympathy and towels and mum.

I stayed in the shower and washed myself. I was covered in dog hair. Once finished, I had to go find my own towel. The dogs were being dried with the usual battery of towels that hang in our bathroom.

By the time I got to the living room the dogs were out in the garden enjoying the sun and drying out by more natural means. Once again, I was told I was too hard on the dogs, not nearly gentle enough, uncaring, disrespectful and all things unholy. The dogs are avoiding me for now and I am considering whether or not I should take them for a reconciling walk and leave my good lady to clean up the bathroom or just do the clean up myself and be the bad guy for the rest of the day. I’ll probably take the walk.

Talk about a dog’s life!


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