The Exile Files

Raging Against the Outrageous. Laughter and Insanity Abound.

My Own Reality TV

Posted by Exile on August 9, 2009

We went shopping today. The astute and observant among you will perhaps have noticed the date on this post and say “What? On a Sunday?”. Yes. See, there are so many here in this land that have their Sabbath on other days of the week than us normal folks, that Sunday is no longer a day of rest, even for those that don’t work in shops.

We went to the mall (or as I like to call it, “The maul”) and got up close and personal with those of other ethnic origin than Danish. Which actually includes me, because I’m a Brit, but I’m easy to spot in the mall on Sundays. I’m the one not wearing a burkha.
Why would we go to the mall on Sunday? Well, it’s the big store birthday bargain week and the rush started today. There were things we desperately need, according to my dear lady, that were going at half price or less. Say what you like, she knows a bargain when she spots one. And there were one or two to be had.

Fighting our way through the middle eastern Diaspora, we got hold of a couple of pillows, 20 huge bottles of Coke at less than half price (she drinks a lot of coke), some canvasses she can paint on, batteries, bread, a new hose for the shower and some other stuff I forgot. She was happy. I was bored, tired and annoyed at the mêlée that had continued from the moment we set foot in the store. It may be multicultural, but it has no manners at all.

However, one thing good came out of all this. I have been hankering after a camcorder of sorts for quite a while but never really found one that suited my pocket. It’s not that I’m a cheapskate, but I do have my limits and weighing up possible usage against prices, I have erred on the side of not missing what I have never had. That changed today. A small and somewhat inexpensive camcorder, greatly reduced in price, that fits in my hand and appears to be capable of meeting my needs. My wife, ever the good lady she is, encouraged me to buy it. So I did.

Look out world.

Having gotten it home, charged the battery and read the handbook, I realise the full potential of this little electronic toy.

This my license not only to film my comings and goings as I gad about the world on holidays and weekends away, but to spy on my fellow humans doing unspeakable things.

I will mount the thing in my car, for example. I can film all the idiots I meet on the motorway, every day, driving hazardously and dangerously right before me. You bastards are going to be the first. I will be sending the living picture evidence to the police. Weekly. 

Yes, neighbour, it was your dog that crapped right outside my garden gate.

And yes, it was your kids that torched the dumpster up the road from my house.

The possibilities are, as they say, endless. I want a Youtube account.

I will also be filming myself on the toilet. I have always wondered what faces I pull when the going gets tough. I won’t be putting that on Youtube though.
I can see my own back. And armpits. The back of my head.
I can see over those high wooden fences now and film it for my own curiosity’s sake and all posterity.
I can show the dear one what her bum really looks like, from my perspective.

Oh yes. This is reality as it comes. My own Blair Witch Hunt. My own candid camera.

Be afraid. Be very afraid….!

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