The Exile Files

Raging Against the Outrageous. Laughter and Insanity Abound.

Archive for June 8th, 2012

Suck it Up

Posted by Exile on June 8, 2012

Every now and then the budget account starts looking real good. My long haired and lovely one and I generally both put money onto the account and I sort out the bills on the monthly basis. My other half, on the other hand, is a genius when it comes to financing the house, so she looks after the negotiations with the bank. Hey, you do whatever you’re best at. This month, however, the budget looked really good, showing a clear positive result and carrying on to the end of the year, so I decided to give her a little surprise. “Honey”, I said, “the budget looks great this month so don’t pour money into it. Buy something nice for yourself and then put the rest onto the savings account.”

She smiled. “OK.” she said. “Thanks.” she said. And then she whizzed off in her little Citröen to go shopping.

Hours later, she’s back. She’s bought a vacuum cleaner. A Dyson vacuum cleaner. With all the fancy bits.

Dyson - stoevsuger - DC29DBALLERGYNow let’s get something straight. If I had bought her a vacuum cleaner, never mind the make or size and had presented her with it along with the words, “Honey, I bought something nice for you.”, I would have spent the rest of the week having it surgically removed from my arse. Bits and all, including the hose. But no. I guess I got lucky and she thinks of this as being “something nice”. Having figured out how to assemble and use the thing, neither the dogs nor I agree, but there again, our opinion doesn’t count for much in these particular areas.

OK, the other vacuum cleaner was a bit of a pain. It was never great. Too small, underpowered and with that annoying bag that never really fitted the machine and which was full in no time, this is an improvement beyond the normal. No bag required. In fact, that’s what prompted Mr. Dyson to invent this machine. Well done Sir. I congratulate you. Bravo.
Credit where credit is due, says I. And I have to say that this is probably the best vacuum cleaner I have ever had the displeasure to use. (I equate vacuuming the floor with mowing the bloody lawn and regular readers will know my loathing for that particular job…)
This vacuum cleaner really knows its business. It sucks like a five-hundred dollar hooker and does that constantly regardless of how much crap it has removed from the carpets and the wooden floor. Dust, dog hair, plain old garden dirt, stuff the dogs bring in, spiders and anything else that isn’t nailed down goes into this greedy devil. It is as rapacious as it is voracious. The dogs seem to know this instinctively and stay well away from the business end while giving the thing a good measure of bark and growl from the safety of the dining table under which they hide. One can see how much undesirable dust etc. one has collected as one goes, because Mr. Dyson, thoughtfully, made the outer canister of the dust trap transparent. Wonderful. One can see how dirty the house was at a glance. Thank you Mr. Dyson.
Something nice? I don’t know. Something effective? Yes. Definitely. Which I suppose is, in some strange way, comforting. Either way, the floor hasn’t looked this good or been so clean in a long time.

Anybody need an old worn out Philips vacuum cleaner? I have one going cheap, has never been up anyone’s arse…. yet.

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Come Fly with Me

Posted by Exile on June 8, 2012

If you dare!

Delta-B767I’ve had a week of being the “Security Guy” or, at least one of the security guys, at the airport. I don’t believe Delta Airlines know how safe they are flying out of Copenhagen. It’s been an interesting week. From simply guarding the aircraft to checking out the passengers, I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a job so much in years. The responsibility is heavy though. Every time you say OK for a passenger, you are making yourself responsible for the lives of about 220 people. Think about that for a minute or two. If I let the terrorist get past me, they all die. So pardon me if I take that personally and make sure I’m thorough when I do what it is that I do. And, bear in mind, it could be anybody, although there are some you can almost rule out from the start. Even little old ladies get questioned. Someone, somewhere, at some time, may have infiltrated her luggage with something, so it’s important to know if she left her baggage unattended for any length of time.

I’ve read a lot of complaints about airport security. Mostly from people who felt offended about being stopped and questioned. And all the “I was groped by a security person” idiocy. Believe me, nobody gets groped. Searched, patted down? Yes. But never groped, nor raped, disemboweled or otherwise molested. Even if he or she is brown, black, white, green or red. Colour doesn’t enter into it. If you trigger, by your response to our questions, any negative sign which we have been trained to look out for, you’re going to be stopped and selected for further enquiry and yes, we’re going to look in your belongings. We’re going to have you searched too. It’s not vindictive, it is required. If that’s unpleasant for you, how do you think the searcher feels? He or she probably doesn’t enjoy having to stick his or her hand under your sweaty armpit or up into your crotch. It’s just necessary to protect the other 219 passengers and crew. It’s nothing personal. Don’t like it? Then drive, or walk, to wherever it is you want to go. 
Surprisingly, a lot of passengers actually thank us for taking the time to do a thorough job. They apparently recognize the fact, that we are there for the purpose of getting them to wherever it is they are going safely. Which makes it all worthwhile and makes the whole affair more enjoyable.

Yes, I’ve stopped an Arab guy. Then again, I stopped a couple of Europeans too. They didn’t satisfy me when I questioned them about their travel documentation and baggage. It turned out fine for them all and they all got away on the aircraft after subsequent questioning. Most people get through it with no problem at all. The simple fact is, that the heightened security works. It’s frightening to the bad guys. They will content themselves with something less secure, less intrusive. And then they won’t have to come up against me, who has been fighting terrorism since 1978 on the streets of Belfast. George Bush thinks he started the war on terrorism in 2001. Little did he know that we Brits have been at it since the IRA started the carnage many years before the WTC got flattened by the ragheads. I grew up watching the PIRA, IRA, PLO, the PFLP, Red Brigade and all the other ridiculous, murdering, communist inspired, Jew hating religious fanatics that want to rid the world of all sense and reason.

Well, I have bad news for them.

I’m back in the game.

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