The Exile Files

Raging Against the Outrageous. Laughter and Insanity Abound.

Suck it Up

Posted by Exile on June 8, 2012

Every now and then the budget account starts looking real good. My long haired and lovely one and I generally both put money onto the account and I sort out the bills on the monthly basis. My other half, on the other hand, is a genius when it comes to financing the house, so she looks after the negotiations with the bank. Hey, you do whatever you’re best at. This month, however, the budget looked really good, showing a clear positive result and carrying on to the end of the year, so I decided to give her a little surprise. “Honey”, I said, “the budget looks great this month so don’t pour money into it. Buy something nice for yourself and then put the rest onto the savings account.”

She smiled. “OK.” she said. “Thanks.” she said. And then she whizzed off in her little Citröen to go shopping.

Hours later, she’s back. She’s bought a vacuum cleaner. A Dyson vacuum cleaner. With all the fancy bits.

Dyson - stoevsuger - DC29DBALLERGYNow let’s get something straight. If I had bought her a vacuum cleaner, never mind the make or size and had presented her with it along with the words, “Honey, I bought something nice for you.”, I would have spent the rest of the week having it surgically removed from my arse. Bits and all, including the hose. But no. I guess I got lucky and she thinks of this as being “something nice”. Having figured out how to assemble and use the thing, neither the dogs nor I agree, but there again, our opinion doesn’t count for much in these particular areas.

OK, the other vacuum cleaner was a bit of a pain. It was never great. Too small, underpowered and with that annoying bag that never really fitted the machine and which was full in no time, this is an improvement beyond the normal. No bag required. In fact, that’s what prompted Mr. Dyson to invent this machine. Well done Sir. I congratulate you. Bravo.
Credit where credit is due, says I. And I have to say that this is probably the best vacuum cleaner I have ever had the displeasure to use. (I equate vacuuming the floor with mowing the bloody lawn and regular readers will know my loathing for that particular job…)
This vacuum cleaner really knows its business. It sucks like a five-hundred dollar hooker and does that constantly regardless of how much crap it has removed from the carpets and the wooden floor. Dust, dog hair, plain old garden dirt, stuff the dogs bring in, spiders and anything else that isn’t nailed down goes into this greedy devil. It is as rapacious as it is voracious. The dogs seem to know this instinctively and stay well away from the business end while giving the thing a good measure of bark and growl from the safety of the dining table under which they hide. One can see how much undesirable dust etc. one has collected as one goes, because Mr. Dyson, thoughtfully, made the outer canister of the dust trap transparent. Wonderful. One can see how dirty the house was at a glance. Thank you Mr. Dyson.
Something nice? I don’t know. Something effective? Yes. Definitely. Which I suppose is, in some strange way, comforting. Either way, the floor hasn’t looked this good or been so clean in a long time.

Anybody need an old worn out Philips vacuum cleaner? I have one going cheap, has never been up anyone’s arse…. yet.


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