The Exile Files

Raging Against the Outrageous. Laughter and Insanity Abound.

Archive for February, 2014

A Load of Crap

Posted by Exile on February 15, 2014


A few months ago, just before the winter set in, I was out riding the motor bike round the island and generally just enjoying doing that, when something caught my eye. Piles of polythene bags stacked up outside one of the many riding stables that exist out here. ‘Hello’, I thought, ‘That looks like horse-poo..’. It was. Tons of the lovely stuff. Just what my garden needs. I made a quick u-turn and stopped in the driveway that meandered its way to the stables. I couldn’t find anybody at first but after calling and walking towards the buildings, a head appeared over the fence. ‘Hello’, I said, and introduced myself.
I asked the guy about the great pile of poo outside his house and asked if he would consider selling a few hundredweight of it. ‘Sell it?’, he said, ‘There’s an interesting concept..’
I must have looked confused. He continued. ‘You can take as much of it as you like. No charge, just come and take it. We have twenty or so horses here, they produce it by the ton. We can’t get rid of it so I bag it up and people come and get it.’
We agreed, I would be back in the morning and I’d fill my car.shite

That same evening, a stupid woman jogger with ears full of that ipad nonsense ran out in front the motor bike causing me to step off. I twisted my right ankle like never before and damaged my left thumb.

Never mind. The following morning, wounded and weak from the pain, I managed to drive, very carefully, back to the stables and the guy helped me load bags of poo into the car. Asking who collected all the poo together he answered, ‘My two daughters.’ I gave the guy a hundred crowns and said he should split it between them. Happily and with a rare old pong in the car, I drove slowly home with all the windows rolled down.
On reaching mia casa I couldn’t carry the stuff into the garden because of my ankle, so I enlisted the long haired and lovely one to push the wheelbarrow. She wasn’t much for it. Shifting crap around is not really her cup of tea, but needs must when the Devil calls, so she agreed, very reluctantly and with a good deal of verbal dissent, to help. I loaded from the car, she schlepped the barrow in and tipped out. Four trips and we were done. ‘Think of the tomatoes next year.’ I said. I got no reply but if looks could kill, I was a dead man.
I have no idea why, but she spent the next hour in the shower.

That was how we got it home. Today, I went out into the garden and looked at the pile of crap. It has rotted a bit despite the winter cold but it wasn’t frozen. Good enough. I began by throwing the bags onto the garden patches trying to gauge the amount of poo per square yard and balance the whole affair out equally. Satisfied that it was fairly shared out, I broke the bags open and started spreading it out evenly over the garden.

Really stinky stuff.
Poor neighbours.

Job done, I only need it to rain for a couple of days to let it wash into the soil. After that comes the digging but that will have to wait until March when I start planting my seed stock and preparing to plant out. The greenhouse received a load of crap too, but I made a mulch for the indoor part of the garden. Mulch? Yep. Take a bathtub full of horse crap and add water. Stir well and distribute by the bucket load. Messy but highly recommended.

I’m  betting, we’ll get some great tomatoes this year.


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