The Exile Files

Raging Against the Outrageous. Laughter and Insanity Abound.

Archive for January, 2011

People that Ride Bikes…

Posted by Exile on January 12, 2011

…are bloody stupid.

idiotI come to this conclusion after hours of careful observation. For instance, the roads lately have been covered with snow and ice. It’s hard enough to just stay upright on your own two feet so how the hell do they suppose that balancing on two rather thin rubber tubes on a mechanical device while maintaining a forward motion is going to be any easier, or quicker, as a form of locomotion? Apparently, they believe that the laws of gravity and friction (or the lack of the latter) don’t apply to them. Equally, they don’t seem to appreciate that a car on ice cannot easily brake and that, therefore, it is extremely dangerous to take a sudden and violent swing out into the road in front of one of the said cars. Or dirty great big lorries…

Red lights also do not apply to cyclists. I don’t know why. Perhaps one will explain it to me one day, if they survive the winter, that is. This is equally as dangerous as the aforementioned swing into the road but cyclists, as they all know, are immortal and undamageable. We, the motorists, will protect and preserve them. Continuing onward, oblivious to crossing traffic despite the red light, is popular amongst the two-wheeled psychopathic, egoistic, suicidal, bloody stupid cyclists.

Another form of light is also unknown to the greater majority of these eejits. A white one at the front of the machine, and a red one at the back. They aren’t even expensive, but they are apparently very hard to find and affix to said machine. Or maybe this is just further proof of stupidity. But hey, all we motorists have infrared vision, so no worries, eh? We can easily see them in the dark. Even when they wear black. 
Cyclists are also dyslexic or illiterate or irreverent. One of the first lines in the Bible is “Let there be light”.

idiot2I can’t help wondering what they are thinking as I sit in my car, heater on ten, comfortable, warm and dry and trying to steer my way through slithering traffic, while they are out there, in the cold and snow, open to the blizzard that is upon us and freezing to death as they attempt to propel the iron horse forward through the ten centimeter deep snow covering the ice below. This can only be a sign of stupidity. I can only assume that the slow freezing of their otherwise atrophied brains is also depriving them of the ability to see the absurdity of their own situation.
Or how about the summer months? I sit in my car, comfortable, air conditioning on, cool and relaxed, while they are out there again, under the broiling sun, sweating like pigs, working like dogs and still attempting to propel the iron horse forward risking heart attack and dehydration.

I know why they don’t have a car. They are too bloody stupid to pass the driving test. Clearly, they have no knowledge of the rules of the road. Not only that, they are probably too bloody stupid to have taken any education or training and therefore haven’t got a good job, so they can’t afford a car. This is probably a good thing for all us motorists. And dogs, cats and small children or anything else that has the misfortune to cross the road in front of them. Think what would happen if we allowed these morons to command and control a one and a  quarter ton of motorised vehicle. The death toll would rise appreciably.

I wouldn’t mind it all so much, but why do they have to dress as if they are in the Tour de France, in the middle of winter, while riding on a converted garden gate on wheels? Stupid? Well, they certainly look it. Denmark is as flat as a pancake, so why do several of them have a shirt with red spots? Who do they think they’re kidding? There are no bloody mountains here. I even saw a yellow jersey the other day. He was the first one to cross the red light.. Must have been his sunglasses that hindered him in seeing it. It wasn’t Lance Armstrong, even if the bloody stupid and apparently schizophrenic cyclist is convinced that he is that very persona while he is on his beloved velocipede .

But worst of all, is the bloody stupid cyclist with a child, strapped to the machine, sitting behind the bloody stupid cyclist. They are having a hard enough time of keeping the damn iron horse upright with only themselves to worry about as cargo. If the machine slips and tips in the snow and ice, they can save themselves by simply hopping off the mechanical deathtrap. The little kid on the back, strapped securely into the plastic and often padded seat, can’t. Which means a long fall at some speed for the helpless little kid with no chance of escape or rescue.
Which is why we now have kids going round with post bicycle traumatic stress disorder, ensuring the next generation of mentally disturbed youngsters who will doubtless continue to scribble incomprehensible graffiti on everything due to the brain damage they suffered in the fall and steal cars to get around in at the age of fourteen, due to that trauma, instead of riding a bike. Eventually, they too will ride a bike, because of the sentence, dished out by the courts, banning them from driving a car for life due to repeated car theft.

And thus, Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow motorists, be aware and afraid. With the next generation of bloody stupid cyclists on the horizon… the cycle continues.

If you’ll pardon the pun.


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Posted by Exile on January 1, 2011

IMG_0007_RJIt isn’t every day that you get to write one of these posts. It’s New Years Day, 2011. A new year means a new start for some, a chance to forget the past year and look forward to the new. This will always be a special day for me now. Not because of the fact that it is indeed the first of January, but because my Grandson was born on this day. It will be his birthday. The good thing is, of course, that he will always be in the middle of a great party when his birthday comes around. He isn’t aware of that yet, but just wait a few years and see what happens.

He was born at eight minutes past eight this morning, weighing in at a healthy 3,390 grams and measuring 51 cm from top to toe. Mother and baby are doing very well. In fact his mother, my daughter Betina, got the whole job done in about 4 hours from first contraction to birth, took no epidural or other pain killers and gave birth like a champion. Everyone was pleased. Including her mother, who drove her to the hospital at four in the morning and stayed with her until it was all over. He’s a big lad for a little baby, hands like shovels and I reckon he’s going to be a big boy.

I couldn’t possibly write all this and not include a picture, so here he is. My Grandson. Mikkel. Welcome to this world my grandson. I hope it treats you well and that you live a long and happy life with no real worries and with as little heartbreak as is possible. Happy birthday.

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